Where is home?

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i haven't kept it a secret that i recently moved away from my family in pursuit of...a life(?).
and recently the weight of this decision has begun to break my back.
waking up realizing that the 30 minute drive to my security has now streched to a 3 day trek is haunting.
My poor boy sometimes gets the brunt of my homesickness and sadly i don't think he understands how much it truly effects me.
and honestly i can't really expect him to...right?
plus he grew up in a completely different atmosphere than i did, not saying one is better than the other, but my family is big and loud and tighter than spandex.
and upon my announcement of me moving from texas to new england not only came as a shock but didn't really reach understanding minds.
i left in quite a fight, which resulted in a big riff between me and my dad.
we haven't talked since i left almost 5 months ago.
that in itself is a huge pain...to say the least.
me and my dad were pretty close and like any daughter he was a hero of mine for quite a while...what am i saying he is still one of my biggest heros.
and not speaking to him on a regular basis is a very hard hurdle to overcome.
my mom on the other hand is direct and constant contact with me and i couldn't be happier about that!
i'm sure she would like to talk everyday and i know i feel the same but life tends to get in the way of that and oddly enough i'm beginning to believe that talking to her actually brings on the homesickness in stronger waves somedays.
and then my sister heather, younger by 2 years needless to say we were inseperable even as teenagers.
faught pretty steadily but were right there the second the other needed support or a shoulder to cry on when which every douche at the time broke our heart.
and now its proving more difficult to provide my shoulder at a distance.
not to mention that i worry about her like crazy.
i see her going down the same paths i've walked and i want her to avoid them...most of them have some nasty side effects.
but again thats very difficult at a distance.
the last piece of my "immediate family" broken heart would be my brother felipe.
my little man just started middle school and i hate to think his innocence is leaving him.
he was always the light in everything.
parents could be arguing me and heather could be ripping each others heads off and he would be there oblivious and just like make everyone smile.
he is just a happy kid and i never really realized how much that had an effect on me.
but moving past the impromptu family tree there i have this ball of i don't quite know what in the pit of my stomach all time.
anytime i let myself drift off to la la land and think about "home" it hits that ball and then stirs up nostalgia, pain and just a longing to be there.
and the mister just doesn't have much experience on how to deal with that.
somedays its like i can talk for hours on end about home and just be happy and content...like that senseof security is there just because im talking about "home".
whereas other days i can't even think about it in fear of crying.
and he knows this and is somewhat unsure on what to do.
which makes me love him even more.
but even more serious i see myself making him my rock because of this.
just writing that made me uneasy.
i know it doesn't make much sense for someone who did all this distruction in a move for another person to be uncomfotable in having said person take on the role of a "rock"
but that's is just how crazy i am haha.
i tend to not like to depend on anyone and handle it all myself...i am a woman after all.
but now i can't help but really fall in love with him even more seeing how much he cares and wants to be there and really wants to...care<3.
he will always have my heart because of it.

phew that was intense.
probably the most honest i've been in "print".
exactly what i needed today!
thank you for lending your ears...er eyes.

love and sanity


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