Ok, so there's this...

This has nothing to do with anything...
This very well written post was brought to you by a dear friend of mine visiting
Rhode Island. It has nothing to do with my friend or Rhode Island for that matter, just go with me on this. So, this requires some back story, as most of my babbling normally does, me and Matt have been together for 5+ yrs with the majority of that being long distance (work and such) but being so embarrassingly in love as we were back then we visited each other quite frequently. On one of these visits I was even more excited than usual. I was going to have the honor to host some of his friends (well technically one good friend and a buddy of said friend). I had a jam packed trip planned of all the hip Austin-y things to do, I mean being a hip Austinite and all. Everything was going along perfectly fine, I successfully diffused a bro-type argument with no blood shed! But to be honest, first impressions were odd but odd never hurt anyone so I didn't let that slow my welcome wagon down. Now to the nitty gritty, there was a dinner hosted by the guests as some kind sign of gratitude for almost free lodging at a friends parents vacant house (I know. I was 21.). This is where things get hazy/horrible. Things were done/said at the dinner and then followed by an equally awkward day that just left the guys not welcome at the house.. A lot of heated discussions between the two parties (not so much me and M) but a lot of referring.

So, this of course being such a long time ago time and a bad memory erased this from my brain. Because really I just wanted to be over it. Why hold on to the negative and all? And when I moved to up to the artic said friend just so happened to be moving to another state. Fate is good. And our sightings were few and far between. Phew right? I wish.

Well next of course, came our wedding and said friend was the oldest one my dashing groom had so naturally he became the best man. Despite my thick sarcasm here I welcomed this. I was an anti-bride to begin with so the traditional-ity of it all was not to important to me, we needed a witness so I mean why not him? Everything that day was beautifully blurred that I didn't even really listen/remember his toast. But no worries y'all I was able to relive it through the many questions from my large family. From what I pieced together it was a lovely toast to the groom and the best main. Their lives growing up, a canoe anecdote, some chops busting and that's all folks. I guess my absence (?) from his speak was very odd in the world of wedding toasts and cause for concern from my concerning family.

I never deluded myself enough to think that we would ever have a friendship without M, that's not saying that I didn't want one...does that make any sense?

But a very bromantic toast coupled with his GF crying for not being involved in bridal party shenanigans(eye-roll) and a very beautiful wedding gift: a large  black and white collage of the two of them (where could that go in our house...apartment therapy you on this one?) it just became more and more like a teen movie. Oh geez I forgot to mention a dazzlingly display of whip spinning action. I don't know how to explain this. But it is exactly what it sounds like, think less cowboy more D&D. in the courtyard of reception venue.

So after of this please believe me that I still really truly fully wanna put it all behind me. Have I said that I hate hold on to negativity?

Ah so back to the start, my very dear friend is in PVD and said friends GF (who lives in PVD) saw that she was in town and invited her out. And at that moment I realized something horrible about myself: I've turned into the girl that I never wanted to be, that girl that is so hated and quickly judged by everyone, that girl that hates her guy's friends.

I'm not too concerned about being hated by this particular guy friend. I just don't like the thought of me being a complication. So should this non-friendship bug me? I mean it's all civil, we will be going up soon for the holidays and even though I'm dreading it with ever fiber of my being (internally of course) we will see em and I'll smile and joke but it will be sooooooo much work. Oh I could whine about that for a while if you would let me. There are really a lot more facets of just awkwardness, personality clashing that could be dissected but I'm actually beginning to think this isn't fair. Without him to share his side? Is that crazy? I don't know, any insight?


but seriously though, what does marriage have to do with it?

pressure much?

alright so i'm just gonna jump right into this.
me and my boyfriend...man-friend...gentleman caller, have been dating close to 3 years now and have very skillfully avoided absolutely NONE of the "so when are you cute kids getting married?" type questions.
now i have come to expect this kind of behavior from my family but when its coming from nearly complete strangers it makes me think...funny how it works like that!
you can blame it on my zodiac sign, my birth order, my hair color, my height or whatever but i have never really been in any kind of hurry or neeed to get married.
and that might have everything to with the fact that all the relationships i have been in, up to this point of course, haven't really been worth marrying into.
but now that i am in one of the ones i wouldn't mind marrying into whats with my delay?
every time that ^ questions pops into my overworked noggin i come up with these gems: is it stubbornness(i'm kind of a pro at that) or am i suffering from some kind of female commitment phobia or oh no is he not the one?
yes, seriously its like a lifetime movie up in here!
but then i realize that the only time these questions pop into my head are when i'm shoved in the face with other peoples questions!
so i would like to humbly offer up my lifetime movie moments up to anyone who has to deal with these lame questions and maybe even offer some kind of solidarity??!!
too much?
maybe, get back to me!
it really isn't far to give these nearly complete strangers all the power, huh?
and after NOT dodging them today i just had to do something about it...and what is blogging if not the answer to everything??
well its off to bed for this one but i promise to be back sooner than last time!!

music in my m...mind monday

so honestly i dont know if this a pinge of austin longing or just a musical craving but i The Black Angels in my head.
I know it's a bit harder...but hell its monday.
so please enjoy the music stylings of The Black Angels!!

Now that the holidays are over

ok well the holidays and the new year have been over for some time, i know this, but i've been swamped!
and trust me i've def been missing my sanity here!!
so i'm back...yay
and first discovery of the week: pin curls work
wow...i know!!
what you dont believe me?!
here's proof...and a few other things i love!
sorry about the picture quality...all taken by my awesome iPhone(please note the HEAVY sarcasm)

and that's all i got for tonight



how gorgeous is that?
i would love to be in the water...just completely oblivious to everything and just in the moment.


...not all the time
but sometimes i feel like this

when you think that last talk did it
you know that feeling of contentment when you think you've finally gotten through and are on the same page.
when you hear the other person clearly and understand and feel the adjustments in your head.
become fine with what they are requesting.
actually see yourself meeting those "requirements"
in your head it's fixed.
and then the next day comes and it hasn't changed.
everything is as if you didn't say a word.
yup thats when i feel like pulling my hair out.
and i do believe i'm at that point right now.